Lucas Electrics Explained
This has evidently been on the web for several years, I just ran across it on the Locost.us site and 'lifted" it for the enjoyment and enlightment of fellow SAOCA'ers.
Lucas Electrics, Explained at Last
Over the years, much has been said and written about Lucas Automotive Electrics. Actually, a great deal of what has been said has never been written down, as it was not suitable for the general public, or anyone else that had not done at least two hitches in the Navy. Why, you ask? You obviously never owned a British car. For some reason unknown to mankind, the electrical system on most British cars has more gremlins than the average breakfast cereal has vitamins and minerals. You would think that a climate as damp and cold as the British Isles would spawn waterproof, corrosion resistant hermetically sealed electrical parts. The sad truth is that quite the opposite has happened, and many a long night has been spent trying to find the reason that a fan, light, gauge, or radio on a British car doesn’t work.
One favorite concept associated with Lucas Electrics is the famous “Smoke” theory. As most of you know, the Smoke theory (also known as the Jackson Postulate) holds that British cars do not have electrical components at all, but have mechanical subsystems that operate from the gas pressure of moving smoke within tubes disguised as wires. This smoke is pumped under pressure through turbine like devices which generate power for the radio, lights, fans, etc. Now, I’ll grant that this theoretical exercise fits the experimental evidence, i.e., smoke can be seen leaking out of some of the components under the hood just before they quit working. However, new and startling evidence has just been brought before the public which finally explains the Lucas Electric paradox.
A distant relative of my Uncle Nigel’s has “gone public” with knowledge he gathered during some 35 years of working at Lucas. Sedgewick, Nigel’s cousin on the Abercrombie side, wanting to clear his conscience and make a few quid from the British tabloid press, has just revealed the existence of a little known sub-atomic particle which threatens the very foundations of quantum-mechanics and physics as we know it. (Quantum-mechanics are the dreams that stuff is made of.)
This particle, called a “Darkon”, has been here-to-for the best kept secret of the British and US Military machines. Discovered by accident in London in 1943, it is believed to be the best example of anti-matter in the universe. Exhibiting characteristics of the typical electron (zero mass, velocity equal to the speed of light) it was missed by the first electron microscopes. There is one characteristic of a Darkon which still has physicists puzzled to this day, and which is rumored to have worried Dr. Carl Sagan to an early death. The feature of Darkons which has stirred the scientific community is the anti-matter electric properties of the particle. Electrons, as you know, have a negative electric charge, protons have a positive charge, and neutrons are neutral. Darkons have what is best described as an inverse negative charge. Not a positive charge, but the mirror image of a negative charge. The best layman’s term for it is “Anti-Matter.”
The British, in an attempt to create nuclear weapons during WWII, stumbled upon Darkons by accident, separating a quantity of them from Tritium-water by passing it through a powerful electro-magnetic field. The British, as many of you know, used direct current in these experiments; as many of you also know, the Brits connected direct current in precisely the opposite manner that Yanks do, with the positive side being ground. Now, in this reversed magnetic field, with inverse direct current flowing, the Darkons were temporarily rendered inoperative, and were not separated from the Tritium as the electrons were. This temporary separation of Darkons from electrons lasted approximately one nano-second, and yielded a mole of Darkons, or 6.02 X 10 23 Darkon particles. Subsequent experiments yielded more Darkons. The British were astounded at their properties. By introducing Darkons into any electric circuit, they were able to interrupt the flow of electricity temporarily. The British successfully used Darkon technology to disrupt radio transmissions from Luftwaffe aircraft and from U-Boats in the English Channel. In time, the British found Darkons an effective weapon during the Cold War years, using them to defeat Russian spy planes and satellite images.
The problem is that in almost every direct current circuit using the reversed flow of current typical of British electrics, Darkons will be separated from electrons in small quantities. Have you noticed how the lights of an old British car tend to flicker? It’s caused by a surge of Darkons flowing through the unit, causing the lights to work backwards momentarily, and take in light instead of giving off light! In some cases, notably alternators and starter motors, appreciable numbers of Darkons will be generated, causing the alternator to suck all the electric energy out of the battery, or causing the starter to stop the engine! There are unconfirmed reports of a surge of high-energy Darkons from an ignition coil leaving spark plugs permanently inoperative. Ever hit the “Save” button on your PC, and had the document disappear totally? Has a tape deck ever suddenly destroyed your favorite “Little Feat” cassette and then resumed normal operation? Darkons at work!
During WWII, this information was classified. Darkons were the secret weapon of the Allies. As the war drew to a close, Lucas Electrics sought to patent Darkons, and began to research peace-time applications for them. To their dismay, they discovered that Darkons have few peaceful uses, and furthermore, they cannot be completely reclaimed once separated. The engineers at Lucas attempted to do away with the wartime stockpiles of Darkons, but were not able to discover a way to destroy them, or to re-combine them with electrons. The Pandora’s Box was opened, and can never be closed. Lucas spent billions trying to recycle Darkons, and that much again to cover up their existence. Do you recall the British publishing magnate that disappeared from his yacht, never to be seen again? He had just interviewed several former “Darkon Department” employees. Coincidence?
So that’s the whole, dark, secret of Lucas Electrics. All we can do now is wait stoically until the final Darkon surge takes out all of our electrons. It may not be the greenhouse effect or some terrible invaders from space but the Darkon that topples civilization as we know it. There’s nothing mankind can do.
I was aware of the "Smoke" theory and have been tempted to purchase some, but have been stymied by the technical challenge of injecting it into the wires. Looks like it would have been a waste of time and money.
Bill
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You can tell a person the truth, but you can't make him believe it.
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